Snow White Script Excerpt

The inept Bogwort and Stinkwort have been ordered by the wicked Queen to take Snow White on a picnic in the woods in order to murder her…

STINK.

Oh, Boggy. I don’t want to do this

BOG.

Neither do I, but we can’t go back to the Queen empty handed. Otherwise it’s - (Mimes cutting throat.)

STINK.

I know! I know! But killing Snow White!

BOG.

I tell you what. Only one of us needs to do it. Let’s toss a coin to choose who.

STINK.

Alright then.

BOG.

Heads I win - tails you lose. OK?

STINK.

OK.

(BOGWORT tosses coin.)

BOG.

I’m really sorry, Stinky. It’s tails.

STINK.

Oh, no!  I always lose! 

BOG.

She’s coming! Now just remember – (Indicates picnic hamper.) all the weapons are in there.

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SNOW W.

(entering) I’m really hungry! I think we should eat. (Goes to hamper.)

STINK.

(bursting into tears) No, Snow White! (To BOGWORT.) Oh, Boggy, I can’t!!!

SNOW W.

Stinkwort. What’s the matter?

STINK.

(wailing) I’m really, really sorry, it’s just -

BOG.

He’s hungry, Miss. He’s crying with hunger that’s all.

SNOW W.

Oh, poor Stinkwort - let’s unpack the hamper then.

STINK.

No, don’t unpack the hamper!

BOG.

We’ve got to unpack the hamper, Stinky.

STINK.

No, no, no, don’t unpack the hamper!

SNOW W.

Why ever not? (Opening hamper.) It’s the only way we’re going to –

(SNOW WHITE has opened the hamper. It’s full of assorted weapons.)

I don’t understand. It’s full of guns and daggers and - a club! (Taking out weapons.) Why have you brought all these horrible things to the wood?

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STINK.

(blurting it out) Because the Queen wants us to murder you!

SNOW W.

Murder me?

BOG.

Have a bit of tact, Stinky! I’m really sorry about this, Snow White. We were meaning to tell you. But we just couldn’t find a good moment.

SNOW W.

But why does she want to murder me?

BOG.

I really don’t know, Snow White – look, let’s not make things any more difficult than they already are - Stinkwort, here, is a highly trained -

(A renewed burst of sobbing from STINKWORT.)

SNOW W.

Stinkwort? Stinkwort’s going to do this?

STINK.

But, I can’t!

BOG.

Pull yourself together, Stinky!

SNOW W.

(grabbing the club) Well, if you want Stinkwort to murder me, you’ll have to catch me first!

BOG.

Hey, give that back!

SNOW W.

(Bashing BOGWORT who clatters into STINKWORT.) Here you are, take that – and that – and that! (Runs off.)